I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. 

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding your friends, that’s the real test.

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. 

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. 

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...

My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned.

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. February 14th.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I’m not buying it.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes… You need to let that mango.

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, “Wait, I can change.”

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...

What type of ship has two mates but no captain? A. A relationship.

Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna’ give him a really tough sentence.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity. 

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.  It's watching what other people eat.

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious

Diet tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.

I know it's three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?